Things I Learned on TV and the Movies

When talking on the phone, you don’t have to say goodbye. When you have all the information you want, just hang up. Even if the other person is your boss and called you, and he hasn’t finished talking, that’s fine, just hang up.

When you’re following someone and you don’t want to be seen, you don’t have to hide. Park your car in plain sight about six meters from where you are standing, and when you get out you won’t see it.

If someone shoots you with a machine gun or high-powered rifle, you can hide behind a bush or an empty trash can and the bullets will not penetrate. Alternatively, you can push someone in front of you (even a corpse) and that person will absorb the bullets, keeping you safe.

As you hide behind the empty garbage can, if four people shoot you with machine guns and you only have one gun, they won’t hurt you. Wait for a pause in shooting, then jump, close your eyes, and fire four quick shots. You will get them all.

A ninety-pound woman, if she’s fit, can get the shit out of a 300-pound bruise.

The same ninety pound woman will never break her nose or lose teeth while kicking trash.

When you disable a bomb or other explosive device, and there is five minutes on the timer, go ahead and have a conversation with someone else. Wait until the timer reaches 2-3 seconds before cutting the last wire.

When typing on a computer keyboard, type as fast as you like and don’t look at the keys, even while on the phone. You will never make a mistake or have to back off. This is especially important when time is short and you are writing a complex hacking program or linking a security video source.

When you’re stealing data from someone else’s computer, the moment you log in you’ll see exactly the files you need, conveniently displayed, and the printer is always ready.

Hardly anyone in the movies uses Windows on their computers. Their screens are much prettier than Windows, but no one in the real world has seen them … but the characters know exactly how they work.

In the movies, everyone in the world uses Apple laptops.

If you are on foot and someone is chasing you in a car, don’t run sideways to get out of your way. Instead, run down the middle of the street or alley to make it easier for you to get run over.

If you’re a cop and your suspect runs into a dark building, follow him inside, but whatever you do, don’t turn on the lights. Turning on the lights could help you see it before it shoots you, and that would never work.

If you are hunting a suspect in a dark room with a gun and flashlight, be sure to keep the light directly in front of your body to give the suspect a clear target.

It only takes three or four minutes for two women in high heels to dig a six-foot-deep grave large enough to hold a coffin.

When digging up a coffin in a municipal cemetery at night, turn on your headlights so you can see what you’re doing. No one will notice or call the police.

If you hear an intruder in your home and find a broken window, don’t run outside or call the police. Instead, proceed cautiously through the house (in the dark) and continually yell, “Is anyone there?” (Works even better with British accent: “Is anyone theah?”)

When you have sex, you should start outside the house or apartment. First you hit the door with your back while you kiss feverishly. Once inside the apartment, head to the room and drop your clothes on the way. Go to bed ready for sex, but you don’t need to take off your underwear, it is apparently possible to copulate while you are fully dressed below the waist.

If you are a mature adult and something bothers you, don’t handle it like an adult. Instead, remove all the papers from your desk (including computers and other expensive hardware), flip the desk inside out, lower the book shelves, throw the chairs out the window, and just throw a tantrum like any responsible adult would. This sets a good example for children to follow. This is especially appropriate if you are an elected official.

If you need to whistle to get someone’s attention, it’s easy – just stick two fingers in your mouth and blow. The result will be a sharp, piercing whistle that will awaken the dead. It does not require practice, anyone can do it.

If you are ever at the scene of a plane crash, you don’t need to worry about fire. Despite the hundreds of tons of aviation fuel that will spill, the only thing to worry about is the dozen small bonfires that burn in isolated places around the crash site. Furthermore, all the bodies will be intact, and you could even encounter a survivor here and there, even if the plane crashed at 30,000 feet.

If you are a computer geek and someone hacks your mainframe from the outside, you will have no problem solving it as you can quickly look at the scrolling lines of binary and hexadecimal numbers and read them with no problem. You will have the problem solved in about thirty seconds.

If two or more men commit rape, they all laugh like hyenas all the time.

All of the ancient Romans spoke with British accents.

When a tire goes flat, there is always a flash under the steering wheel and a sound like a rifle shot.

If your house catches on fire and the fire department is on the way, stay inside the burning house until they arrive, even if it takes an hour. It’s much more dramatic when you walk out the door with the flames chasing you, or even if you’re burning, than just standing on the grass and waiting for help.

In movies and television, it is possible to stand in pouring rain as the sun reflects off the metal surfaces around you.

When you park your car, you don’t need to lock it. When you return, don’t bother checking for intruders in the back seat. If someone with a club is waiting there to strangle you, you probably prefer not to know.

If the movies are accurate, no one but me had dinner before 8 at night. Usually it’s even later, as movie men pick up their dinner dates at eight and then head to an excellent restaurant where they have reservations for ten o’clock.

If you ever have to remove a bullet from someone’s body, it is important that when you retrieve the bullet you drop it on a metal plate at least six inches in order to get that satisfying “clunk” sound.

When you chase that bullet, you won’t have to go very deep. Even if it’s a 20mm round, it will lodge just under the skin where you can easily reach it.

Even in 2020, people who stay in hotels, when they watch television, only see old westerns from the 1950s filmed in black and white, usually with Indians attacking wagon trains.

If you’re a fifty-year-old overweight policeman wearing cowboy boots and find yourself chasing a twenty-year-old suspect who is six feet tall and runs like a deer, be sure to shout “Stop! Police!” He won’t stop right away, but if you keep screaming as he fades away, you may wear him down.

If you drive a car with a passenger in the front seat, feel free to maintain full eye contact while having a conversation with that person. It doesn’t matter if you’re on a highway or on a busy city street, you don’t need to keep your eyes on the road. It really will be fine, you won’t have an accident.

When the killers chase you, be sure to run across the toughest terrain you can find, then continually look over your shoulder so you can’t see where you’re going. That way, you’ll make sure to fall flat on your face multiple times, just to keep things exciting.

If you own a really hot and really fast sports car, like a Camaro or better, it’s important that you spin your tires every time you leave your driveway or parking lot. There is no particular reason for it, it is correct.

If you are a police officer driving a fast car and chasing a suspect, be sure to sneak in every time you turn a corner. It can make you lose a few seconds while you regain control, but it helps you catch the bad guy a little faster.

If someone kidnaps your child and demands ransom, they will probably call the FBI. They will install telephone tracking equipment in your home to locate the kidnappers. Now when the kidnappers call to tell you where to take the ransom, don’t respond immediately. Let the phone ring fifteen or twenty times before it answers. Criminals will never suspect that you are stagnating so the feds can start tracking.

If you are chasing a killer in a dark alley or warehouse, a stray cat will jump out of the shadows and scare you. You’ll sigh in relief, and that’s the exact moment the killer will jump up behind you.

Police cars must always start, stop, and corner with screeching tires. It doesn’t help them catch thieves faster, but it’s great for Goodyear’s bottom line. Buy shares in tire companies.

Security guards fall into two categories: 1) retired fat men who are always hit on the head and killed, or 2) the police academy rejects those who simply cannot wait to shoot someone.

When chasing a suspect down the street, a police officer may be hit by a car at high speed, repeatedly flip in the air, land on his feet, and continue the chase.

When cars pass over a cliff, they will always explode when they hit bottom, and the explosion will occur inside the car.

If someone ever puts a bomb in your house or car, it will explode twenty-six times, allowing very interesting images from twenty-six different directions.

It is now possible to pour gasoline over an entire floor, wait until the room is filled with explosive gases, then strike a match to threaten his hostages and the policeman who is there to arrest him. When the match burns in your fingers, you can drop it without fear of igniting the gasoline fumes.

Even if you shoot someone with an elephant gun, it will only make a small red hole in the forehead.

If you’re ever running from the police, the best way to escape is to drive the wrong way in rush hour traffic at 90 mph. It’s easy, just turn the wheel left and right and the other cars will get out of your way.

When you smoke a cigarette, just take one or two puffs (but don’t inhale) and then put it out. If that doesn’t satisfy your desire, you can always light another one. After all, they only cost a dollar each.

When people in the movies get cancer, they never lose weight. On the day of their death, they are still robust and fully fleshy.

Fire victims in movies may have all of their skin burned, but not their hair. They will writhe and scream in agony while perfectly combed.

People who live in Boston and New York have California accents.

If you enter a room (or a jail cell) and find someone hanging from a ceiling lamp, you should not (and this is very important) place the tray you are carrying. Even if the tray contains expensive glass cups or highly unstable nitroglycerin, you MUST drop it and let it all break. This is how you do it.

Parishioners in the Old West knew only two hymns: Amazing Grace and Bringing In the Sheaves.

In the 24th century, when Starfleet rules the galaxy, everyone in France will speak with Shakespeare accents.

People on television hate being inside. They constantly need to “get some air.”


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